Motherhood as Surrender
My son is set to turn 2 before the end of the year. He's developed rapidly over the last few months after several slower-paced months of growth since he started walking in February.
It really is marvelous that one's body can knit together another human being totally apart from one's own willpower. But amidst the awe, I've only seen one person acknowledge that bearing a child subtly changes a mother. (I don't remember whom, unfortunately.) Not just the physical changes or that a child "made me a mother" (a sentiment I don't embrace).
Childbearing is a surrendering. Perhaps that's why so many fight against motherhood and why Shulamith Firestone believed that only surrogacy -- to a machine -- could make the sexes equal. Childbearing is a superpower too, but it is more of a surrendering. Sleep and sleeping positions, range of motion, energy, appetites, activities, perceptions of this or that body part, and time have all been circumscribed by a being known only to God. Meanwhile, affections are expanded and grown.
I felt like my husband had begun to pry away the layers of self-protection in which I wrapped myself; my son blew the doors off. There's still work to be done. I still have walls up. But the first vulnerabilities have been uncovered.
Paul's admonition to the Corinthians comes to mind frequently: "our heart is wide open. You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted in your own affections. In return (I speak as to children) widen your hearts also." (2 Corinthians 6:11-13.) I am restricted in my affections towards the Lord and towards His people, towards my neighbors and even towards my own family. And I still find myself silently asking my son to open wide his heart to me.
It really is marvelous that one's body can knit together another human being totally apart from one's own willpower. But amidst the awe, I've only seen one person acknowledge that bearing a child subtly changes a mother. (I don't remember whom, unfortunately.) Not just the physical changes or that a child "made me a mother" (a sentiment I don't embrace).
Childbearing is a surrendering. Perhaps that's why so many fight against motherhood and why Shulamith Firestone believed that only surrogacy -- to a machine -- could make the sexes equal. Childbearing is a superpower too, but it is more of a surrendering. Sleep and sleeping positions, range of motion, energy, appetites, activities, perceptions of this or that body part, and time have all been circumscribed by a being known only to God. Meanwhile, affections are expanded and grown.
I felt like my husband had begun to pry away the layers of self-protection in which I wrapped myself; my son blew the doors off. There's still work to be done. I still have walls up. But the first vulnerabilities have been uncovered.
Paul's admonition to the Corinthians comes to mind frequently: "our heart is wide open. You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted in your own affections. In return (I speak as to children) widen your hearts also." (2 Corinthians 6:11-13.) I am restricted in my affections towards the Lord and towards His people, towards my neighbors and even towards my own family. And I still find myself silently asking my son to open wide his heart to me.
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